Love is a verb

Love’s been on my mind recently. From re-reading bell hooks, to half ashamedly taking attachment style quizzes online after far overreacting to a casual dating encounter.

I cook dinner for myself with albums like The Art of Loving by Olivia Dean adding ambience. A voice that feels almost 1940s singing about all the ways you can be wrong for each other, and all the ways you are right. About rising to meet each other.

The action word there being rising.

I like that sentiment because rising requires work and process, and the acknowledgment that you’ll always be rising to meet one another. 

Olivia did an amazing job at artistically showing that nuance in relationships, the kind that often gets lost in pop culture. 

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I’m fascinated by relationships.

How childhood dynamics get replayed, as if we’re trying to return and solve them this time. How someone’s action toward you could be relatively benign to another person, yet feel earth-shattering to you because of your past. How lust can evolve into life long companionship.

I’m interested in the fragility of it. The security of it. But mainly the beauty of it. Platonic, familial, and romantic love fill my life with colour and meaning. So it makes sense that I want to be better at it.

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A lot of pop culture focuses on what kind of partner we should want.But less attention is given to who we should be in relationships.

After re-reading sacred texts (bell hooks, Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, and Melissa Febos), here are some principles we want to pass on at Femme Verve:

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Principles on Love

 

1. Start seeing love as an action, not just a feeling.

When you conceptualise love as something you do, not just something you feel, you begin to see that love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse is not a distortion of love it is the absence of it.

2. Live by secure relationship principles: • Be available.

Don’t interfere.

Act encouragingly.

Communicate effectively.

Don’t play games.

View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being.

Wear your heart on your sleeve.

Don’t make generalizations during conflict.

Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire.

3. Treat each other’s hearts and wellbeing with responsibility.

When people fall in love, they place something incredibly fragile in each other’s hands. There is mutual responsibility to keep that safe. Choose people who take responsibility seriously. 

5. Wear your heart on your sleeve.

Being vulnerable in love is courageous. To be seen as you really are: hopeful, uncertain, open, without armouring yourself against every possible outcome. Real connection can’t grow behind walls; it happens when you let someone in. 

6. Expand your definition of soulmates.

Expanding this definition to friends, family and community allows us to honour the people who show up for us, love us consistently, and shape who we are in meaningful ways. 

7. Take responsibility for your impact.

Look at your patterns. The people you choose. The ways you react. No one is exempt from growth. 

8. Love is available.

There are so many good people in the world. But they require you to show up in a way that allows them to meet you.

9. You’re a creator 

Create romance. Create intimacy. Create moments that make life feel fuller. Love isn’t something that arrives fully formed; it’s something we shape. Love engenders love, and you are responsible for the kind of life and connection you choose to create.

As someone who has witnessed a lot of abusive relationship dynamics in my life, emotional safety is deeply important to me.

Love is a verb, a doing word. We are all active participants in how we give and receive it, and we should only accept love that is shown through action, in ways that are tangible, safe, and respectful.

At Femme HQ, we want you to know that you are deeply deserving. We hope you notice all the love that is available to you, and all the love that already exists around you.

xxx